All I needed was 32nd place and I would break even for the day. I had a decent record, went 5-3 and had played the best I could for not sleeping. What do I get? 35th. 3 lousy spots away from money, from some recognition for my skill.
The only things I like to drink are whiskey, scotch, and beer. Right now I’m drinking vodka and coke cause no one will notice the vodka missing from the fridge. I already downed a six pack of Sierra Nevada, now if I can finish this handle of shitty vodka I’ll be a real boy.
Flick. The fire brightens his eyes for a few seconds, before retreating into it’s plastic home. Smoke inhaled into lungs before exhaling into the stuffy air. He sat there,his feet soaking into lukewarm water. Melodic music flowed over him, his ears too far away to realize what it was. His body was bent over, his eyes glued to the dirty bathwater. Flick. Suddenly he’s filled with his broken dreams, his current panics, and crushing loneliness. As sudden as their coming, they’re expelled into the air. Their passing still shook him, noting they were always parts of him. His right hand is moving like he’s playing the violin of his youth, his left clutched around his new instrument like it’s his very soul. No longer does he fill the air with notes of beauty, but words of venom. Dripping from his teeth is saliva that sees the worst words imaginable with casualness from their frequent use. Words directed at friends, family, and loved ones with callousness. Current relationships turn him to former flames, sparks of passion, and infernos of intimacy. His current just drags him down, not his usual highs. The future she lays out doesn’t make sense to him. There’s no future outside the void to him, the void that makes no sound but calls to him. Sometimes it’s nothing but a lover’s whisper, others it’s crowded hall. He’s back home, somehow stranger than the hotels he’s somehow used to. Homes always feel foreign, he can’t relax in them anymore. Her music came on, sneaking into his sphere like a crow at night. He feels frisky, but no better. He drums and drums with nothing more than a pout on his face. He tries to ignore the voice to drown in the bass line, but even in his childish memories there’s just a pouting child being berated. Internally he manifests into himself, who he is. He’s suicidal, depressed loner with major trust and control issues but couldn’t imagine any other life. He’s blessed by nothing to see life in a completely different view. The lack of focus on the present is just a manifestation on his lack of connection to life. Even this feels dirty, close but not quite right. Maybe it was and his fear kept him from the truth, but he couldn’t say.
My parents have decided I need to return to college. I went for two years, and dropped out in a spectacular fashion. Meaning I failed more than half the classes I attended, using attended loosely. The only things I’ve passed are a bunch of humanities and philosophy class, which is great but I don’t think I want to be a philosophy major anymore. Random rant.
Anyway, my parents have decided to bribe(?) me to return to school. If I return and actually pass my first class, they’ll get me a tattoo. If I don’t return to school? They refuse to help me anymore, which is kinda huge right now cause I’m unemployed. I’m really not ready to return, and they want me to somehow pay for school. I can barely afford my bills as is, hell I’m paying off my loan from my first trip to college still! I do like the idea of finally having my degree, but honestly I don’t think I’m mature or disciplined enough to actually get it this time around.
First day back to reality after an amazing week away in my own town. Did a bit of the tourist thing, and spent time with the most amazing person I know. Growing closer is amazing, but the distance is horrible.
So since I play Magic, I spend a lot of time on Magic websites. And sometimes the stupidity of people amaze me. I know I’m not the best player ever, but I know better than to open my mouth if I have no idea what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s just me being arrogant, but when I see someone keep going on and on about something they are obviously wrong about, I come to hate them a bit.
So the friend I kept from killing himself last night has deleted and blocked me. In his now immortal words “I sincerely hope you fucking die. I hope your breaks give out on the highway and your car flips over and catches on fire. I fucking want you to burn to death.”
I literally just spent all night talking my friend off the ledge. And by off the ledge, kept him awake after him taking 20 pills. It’s something I know he wouldn’t do for me, here I am at 6 in the morning. He finally fell asleep, but feels better about his life now. I guess I’m glad for it.
This was originally gonna be about me not being able to focus on one thing, therefore switching between Sin City and Fooly Cooly. But it’s all over my life, just going back an forth between two subjects all the time. Between careers, relationships, and even beliefs. Maybe I fear commitment, maybe I fear choosing the wrong choice, maybe I just like always having freedom. No matter what the reason is, eventually I’ll have to make a choice. And when I do, I just pray it’s the right one. Right now, it seems I’m gonna do a month in Nepal. After returning, meeting a dear friend, I’ll be heading back out to China the next time. And I won’t return to Florida hopefully, cause I’ll be heading where I belong. Next to the woman who was always there, and who I was always there for. I guess this is destiny…
I spend my days cleaning and baking, and my nights looking for random shit. This week I’ve been looking at plugs and pieces. I need new plugs for my ears, cause I’m using cheap acrylic plugs and they aren’t good for you. And I just want a new piece. I love Saria, but she gets used a lot. I want a Volcano, but am lacking in the $670 to buy one. I don’t want a bong at my current place, but I might buy a bubbler.
I can’t handle this anymore. I’m stressed beyond belief and nothing is changing. Except I’m getting more stressed every day. I don’t have a job, I don’t see anyone, I don’t do anything except try for a job and listen to people who are tired of me.
One would think now that I have time to sleep, I would. But im finding myself sleeping less than ever, at stranger times even. If I sleep, its from 5-7 to 10-12 and that’s every day… I do miss sleeping.
This is an awesome band I have been working with recently. Urcheon is all about grassroots/DIY exposure for up-and-coming talent, so please take the time to check out a band from Manhattan/Bk NYC called DEPTHS.
So I don’t post often, but I realize what’s the point of having a tumblr if I never post. Im not going to start posting pictures or anything generic like that. Im just going to try and post a little something here everyday.
I feel like I should say something about me losing my job.
I love the people I worked with, I always will. They were absolutely amazing, and have stayed with me even though I’m no longer a conductor. I will always have my trolley family and they will always have me. Some of those friendships will fade, but some will continue for years to come. Most of them won’t get to see this cause they don’t know about my tumblr, but the ones that do just know you were some of my favorite people ever.